Post-Election Gracious Conversation

Thanksgiving is next week! After that, we are also facing many more occasions (Christmas, New Year) where we might be talking to friends and relatives who had voted for the other candidate on November 8. When politics come up in conversations, how can we not end up in a yelling match generating more hurt and fear?

Here are steps you can take to have a reasonable, civil and even productive conversation with those who voted differently than you:

1. Preparation: Take some time to reflect on your experience on why you voted the way you did (or if you didn’t vote, why?) and what the impact of the election results caused you personally, on your family, on your work, on your friends, on your community, etc. Pay attention to your “hot buttons.”  What would get you into a defensive, angry, and combative mode?   Mentally prepare yourself on how to get yourself back to a curious place for dialogue.  Formulate the reflections into “I” statements.  This way, you are claiming your own experience when you share while avoiding making judgment on another, which would shut down communication. Try completing these sentences:
   1. I voted for _____________ because I _____________
   2. When the election result was coming in, I ____________
   3. When I realized that the people who voted had elected Donald Trump as our next president, I _____________________
   4. In light of the election results, my concerns for me personally are ______________
   5. In light of the election results, my concerns for my family are _______________
   6. In light of the election results, my concerns for my community are ________________
   7. In light of the election results, my responsibilities are __________________

2. Decision to Engage: When it looks like you and your conversation partner are heading in the direction of talking politics, you need to make a decision as to whether this is “worth it.”  That is, why do you want to connect with this person who has a different political view?  What do you want to learn from this conversation?  Are you genuinely curious about this person’s experience?  If your decision is that it is not worth your while, then walk away.

3. Covenant for a Time and Place: If your decision is that it is important for you to stay connected with this person, then you need to ask: is this the right environment to continue this conversation?  Do we have enough time to have a meaningful conversation?  Do you need a place that is private? Where is a neutral location that may bring out the best for both of you?  Try this:
   1. I really want to talk with you about this. Can we go somewhere quiet and spend 15 minutes to have a real conversation?
   2. I really want to continue our conversation, but this is neither the time nor place for it. Can we commit to getting together for half an hour for coffee or tea at a time and place that is convenient for both of us?

4. Set Parameters and Ground-rules: Before you restart the conversation at the agreed upon time and place, you need to take the responsibility of setting down some guidelines for conversation. If it is appropriate, you can bring the bookmarks with the Respectful Communication Guidelines provided by the Kaleidoscope Institute and walk through the guidelines with your conversation partner.  For a conversational way to setting some helpful ground-rules. Try this:
   1. I would like us to have an honest, thoughtful conversation and not a debate about who is right or wrong. Because I really want to understand your experience, and I hope you would want to understand mine as well.
   2. Can we agree to share our own experiences and not try to defend anyone else or a whole party?
   3. Can we agree not to be dismissive of each other experiences? Can we not judge, blame and shame each other?
   4. Can we not interrupt each other and let each other finish our thoughts before responding?
   5. Can we agree to hang in there even when we don’t quite understand each other’s perspective yet and try to ask clarifying questions of each other?

(Note: if your conversation partner cannot agree to some kind of guidelines for communication, walk away.)

(If you are the host of an event, try making an announcement to your guests when most people have arrived like this:  I know among us, we have very different experiences of the election, and I know this topic will come up in our conversations.  So, do avoid getting into a debate which is not helpful, I would invite you agree to some guidelines for conversation during our time together when politics come up in your conversation.  Here they are: . . )

5. Start with insightful questions: Don’t begin the conversation by asking right-wrong, good-bad questions.  Start with information seeking questions that assist both of you to share your interests, values and beliefs.  Try these:
   1. What is most important to you in your political beliefs?
   2. What are the hopes, concerns and values that are at the heart of your beliefs?
   3. What life experiences have led you to believe the things you do? (Once you are able to share the values and beliefs, you can go into more specific questions about the election.)
   4. How did your values and beliefs lead you to vote the way you did at this election?
   5. What are the strength and gifts of your candidate?  What are his or her weaknesses? 
   6. Now that we have the election results, what are your hopes for the coming four years?
   7. What are your concerns and fears for the coming four years?
   8. In what ways can we stay friends and even support each other in the midst of our differences in the coming years?

6. Feedback and Staying Curious: When the conversation gets sidetracked or when you feel stuck and want to strike back or when you just don’t get it, stop, take a deep breath and refocus by asking yourself:  Am I really listening?  Am I only listening to what I want to hear and am looking for faults from the other?   Try to put yourself back in that “curious” place again and remind yourself that the purpose of this conversation is for you to not to agree but to understand the other.   Let your conversation partner know that you are trying to understand by giving feedback and asking clarifying questions.  Try these:
   1. Let me make sure I understand what you mean. You are saying that this is important to you because _____. Is that right?”
   2. (Example of clarifying questions) How did you come to believe that? Was there an experience that led to believe that?  Why is that really important to you?

(I found this helpful chart from a piece called “Reaching the Red/Blue Divide” presented by Essential Partners.)

Don't	Do
Tell them they are wrong	Ask them what value led them there
Ask how they could ever believe something	Ask when that belief first started for them
Interrupt people	Give a moment to make sure they are done
Instead of “yeah, but, what about…”	“Huh, interesting, tell me more…”
Try to assume you know their motives	Ask about their goals and hopes
Blame them for your anger or frustration	Explain your frustration and take responsibility for it

7. Thank your Conversation Partner:  When the conversation comes to a natural stopping place, share what you've learned from this conversation and invite your conversation partner to do the same.  Then thank the other for willing to enter into a truthful conversation with you.  If appropriate, pray together and set another time to further the conversation.

 

Eric H. F. Law

Kaleidoscope Institute
For competent leadership in a diverse changing world
www.kscopeinstitute.org